Alan to Kevin, 8/27/97

Humor from the Internet:
How to Write the Blues

1. Most blues begin "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
   I got a good woman--
   with the meanest dog in town.
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
   Got a good woman
   with the meanest dog in town.
   He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
   and he weighs about 500 pounds.
   
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Yonkers or New Rochelle. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
   • violet
   • beige
   • mauve
9. You can't have the blues in an conference room or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong.
10. Good places for the Blues:
    • the highway
    • the jail house
    • the empty bed
    Bad places:
    • Ashrams
    • Gallery openings
    • Weekend in the Hamptons
11. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
    Yes, if:
    • your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
    • you're blind
    • you shot a man in Memphis.
    • you can't be satisfied.
    No, if:
    • you were once blind but now can see.
    • you're deaf (take up rock and roll instead).
    • you have a trust fund.
12. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.
13. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
    • wine
    • whiskey
    • muddy water
    Blues beverages are NOT:
    • Any mixed drink
    • Any kosher wine for Passover
    • Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
14. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.
15. Some Blues names for Women
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie
16. Some Blues Names for Men
    Joe
    • Willie
    • Little Willie
    • Lightning
    Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
17. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
    • Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
    • First name (above) or name of fruit (e.g., Lemon; but not Kiwi)
    • Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) Mix and match.

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